Gift Giving Gone Awry
I recently gave a gift to a friend who had lived abroad for several years. The gift was inconsequential, but I had made the card myself. I put a lot of effort into it and wanted to see his reaction. However, he politely thanked me and proceeded to set the package aside on his desk. Later on I brought it up again in the conversation. Sensing where I was headed, my friend asked if I wanted him to open the gift. He quickly added that he receives gifts Japanese style.
In Japan gifts are opened in private, because the giving is symbolic of the relationship. It is supposed to be a token of appreciation. You would actually offend someone by opening a gift right away (unless the giver asked). Thinking that there was a common grace insight, I remarked how Americans ought to put more priority on relationships rather than ripping into their presents like a pack of hungry wolves (think birthdays, Christmas morning, etc.). Such an attitude might also release the pressure of gift giving out of social obligation.
To this my friend responded that no, in Japan it often quickly devolves into a competition. Once the gift is opened the recipient must note the quality and cost of the gift so that he can return the favor with something of greater value. The lesson is that if you give a gift, you are certain to receive one in return. If you want a gift, then you must give one first. Common grace? Nah. But it does sound to me like there are common gift giving traits that transcend culture.
Have you ever felt pressured to give gifts? Is it ever appropriate to receive a gift and not give one in return? What do you think giving should look like?
I myself have a hard time feeling social pressures… to my detriment. But this little anecdote –which no doubt involves our mutual friend, “Stan-” Dan G.– sends a flood of memories. That man did more for me than he’ll ever know; more than I could ever repay him. So, send him a benediction from me.
Gift giving is a type of thanksgiving – and to me we should give without expectation and without a guilt compulsion. I give a gift because the Lord has enabled me to do so and I don’t have much expectations past that.
I will admit that at times my pride gets in the way of that because I want my ‘gift’ to be acknowledged and get some satisfaction out of giving the ‘right’ gift. This is such a trap and it points to my conceit and competitive spirit that I will be glad to throw off at the end of this life…
As a side example, one of my favorite things is to help others as a Deacon. The Lord gives us funds to use when people need help. When we disperse the funds it is wonderful way to give God thanks – because that’s essentially what that assistance is. We’re able to thank God for the relationship with that family, thank Him for the opportunity to help someone in need and thank Him for the provision to do so.
It’s my hope that I can treat personal gift giving in the same manner.
@Baus: DSG says something like don’t credit him, or was it don’t blame him? But yeah, I think you’re right that some of the best gifts at first don’t seem like gifts at all. Loving service, an offer of help, something that meets a special need — all require little or no monetary expense from the giver, but have great value for the recipient. These are the kinds of gifts that bring real joy, spread true love and strengthen personal ties.
@stelmodad: I resemble that remark about pride and wanting my gifts to be acknowledged. I’m always struggling over getting the perfect gift for my wife — that and did I spend enough money? It’s as if the amount I spend has to match my love for her. It ought to be more about the love and thought put into the gift, not the receipt total. On the other hand, you can’t totally discount the cost/value of a gift. What if I did my shopping for the wife this year at the dollar store (little money, love and thought)?
One thing about the Japanese process that maybe isn’t so bad is the idea of not dishonoring people. That is, it takes a special grace sometimes to not offend the giver. How many times have you watched a person open a gift and go, “Great! A Ronco Peeler?!? Just what I needed.”
Worse is when a kid throws a gift down and says it’s not what he wanted (I’m suspecting we may see this at our house soon).
Like you said, it’s good not to have many expectations. I find that when I have that kind of attitude (at times of giving) I am the least disappointed and the most content with what I receive (wish I could say I was that way all the time).